Thursday, April 17, 2014

On loosing my artistic self when I became a mum

Becoming a mum changes everything. That's obvious. But I never expected it to affect my (lack of) art as much as it has.

When I was pregnant I read blogs of artists who became mothers and didn't miss a heartbeat. They kept on making art! It gave me hope- I thought 'If they can do it then so will I.' Then Aria was born and I tried the tricks I had read about. Drawing in bed while feeding (I wasn't sure when my third arm was going to appear so I gave up on this one), painting/drawing while bubs has a nap (the exact same time I'm supposed to keep on top of the washing, cleaning, eat something, tidying etc). Eventually when Aria started to go to bed regularly at 8pm I would have the evening free but by that time I didn't want to do anything. I'm exhausted. 

So I've been feeling guilty. If they can do it, why can't I right? 

Because I'm not them. I'm not the sort of person who can juggle all of that. I need to rest. I want to spend the time Aria is awake playing with her. My priorities are different. That's not to say theirs isn't their children because of course it is. And believe me, I'm so jealous of them. But I can't do the juggling so I have to pick one of the two. And my brain is too scattered to even think of what I want to draw or paint.

So while I mulled over my thoughts above, I had another realisation. The inspiration and motivation to create anything is actually gone. I'm guessing partly from being tired and adjusting to a new way of life. So instead of making art, each day I now look through old photos I've taken, research other artists, collect tutorials, re-read online classes and make notes of things I come across that I like. Colour palettes, patterns, shapes, subject matter etc. One day soon that spark I used to have about art will re-ignite and I'll be back.

Until then I vow to love who I've become, instead of feeling guilty. I will do what I can when I feel like I can. Sometimes I will need to force myself to do something, other times I won't.

Whatever happens though, it's ok. I don't have to be super mum. I don't have to be able to do everything flawlessly. Or at all. The most important thing to me now is being there for my daughter and watching her grow into an amazing person.

12 weeks old and already giving me attitude hehe <3
Rhiannon xx

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